If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to
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The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
[in hospital]
son: what happened dad
me: bar fight
son: over what?
me: he said… *clenches fists* he said Zelda is a boy
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
People to panhandlers: Get a job, you lazy bum
People to ducks: Who has free bread for you? Is it me? Yes, it is
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
I hate all this sex on the TV
I keep falling off.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.
KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I told my kids their cash and coins are worthless now because they have the Queen and not King Charles on them.
They cried and cried and I’m up $83.