Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Imagine your card gets declined at Hogwarts and you have to go to public wizarding school
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
I’m ready for Halloween this year
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
my house isn’t haunted i just have kids. shit goes missing at random. doors are left open. faucets left running. and don’t get me started on the screams.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
People: Coronavirus is the worst thing that could have happened in 2020.
Murder hornets: Hold my stinger.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.