Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
You Might Also Like
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
I’m sorry, but pouring some sugar on someone just sounds like a housekeeping nightmare.
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
2023 was just a warmup
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Never trust someone who acts as if nothing happened when you meet them right after you had an amazing dream about them.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*