I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
You Might Also Like
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Being a parent is hard work, but it’ll all be worth it when I need donors for a new liver.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Pretty sure my last words will be something along the lines of, “just cut the moldy part off; I’m not wasting good cheese!”
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job