*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
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Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
There’s a great new book on minimalism but I only read the blurb because I believe that’s what the author would want.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Him: tell me about your longest relationship
Me: *thinking furiously* does Windows 95 count?
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Watching golf, and every ovation is a standing ovation.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Before the invention of the hose, firefighters had to put fires out with their fists.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
“Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven’t seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat–OH DEAR GOD!!” – birth of an expression
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
I hope at the end of the movie, Batman and Superman have to sit down and write a list of all the things they appreciate about each other.
Things that are terrifying:
A snake on my hike
Clowns
My 3yo saying: ‘member your dark red lipstick that I like to draw with?
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.