They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
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God: I made spring time so that all could witness nature’s rebirth!
Satan: I make people scroll down to find their birth year.
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
Dance like you’re not the father
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I asked my kid if his room was clean and that little shit cackled and asked Alexa if it was “Stupid Question Day”
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
Me at 5 p.m.: One cup of coffee won’t keep me from sleeping tonight.
Me at 2 a.m.:
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
the joke is that people say “hold my beer” before doing dumb things but I grew up around people doing dumb things and I never saw one of them put their beer down first
yes yes space rockets but who is working on the technology where I can microwave my whole lean cuisine without having to take it out after a minute to stir the pasta section and then put it back in
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true
Cop: could you repeat again why you hit him over the head?
Me: I figured a couple of days eating hospital food would make him appreciate my cooking