swallowing a bunch of popcorn kernels before getting xrayed
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
I straightened my hair and wore my contacts. So according to all the 90s movies I’m unrecognizably hot now, right!?
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Good thing you put a swing in your birds cage he’s probably on that thing like
“MAN THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN FLYING”
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
“Do what your gut says”
– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza
Me, in DM rooms…
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.