friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
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Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
People be like “You knew what you were signing up for when you had kids” as if we had any idea we’d have to homeschool them through a global pandemic
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Instagram now has video! I’m going to film the hell out of this salad!
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*gestures to my unmown yard*
“I’m choosing to let my yard grow wild, to help the pollinators.”
*waves at a stack of dirty dishes*
“This, too, is for the pollinators.”
*trips over a pile of dirty laundry”
“Pollinators.”
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
It costs over $235,000 for parents to raise a child today. And that’s just for the alcohol.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
A newborn giant panda is about the size of a stick of butter.
And just as delicious.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
my favorite genre of twitter
Stop using “leggy” to describe tall women when it was clearly made to describe spiders.