when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
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DIRTY HARRY [points gun] Go ahead make my day
*I take him to the zoo & then the park, we have ice cream*
DH: well this has been wonderful
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Anyone really
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
her: i like a guy that can last long 😉
me, a piece of flavored gum: shit
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
[Top of the Eiffel Tower]
Me: I just want you to know “eiffel” in love with you
Them:
Me: get it? “I fell”
Them: *pushes me off* you fell
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves