Cndnsd Mlk
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When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
accidentally signed off an important email with “all the vest”
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
How about the people in fast food commercials look like they actually eat fast food?
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions