Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
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Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
Instead of looking for things that divide you look for things that bring you together, like the way you all look for things that divide you.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Friend: you know what would suck
Me: yes, being a claustrophobic turtle
Friend:
Me:
Friend: how do you even function
If a mouse family ever stole my iPhone and used it as a flat screen TV then I’m okay with it as long as they’re happy.
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Whenever you’re feeling inadequate, remember: You know more about medicine than legitimate doctors during the civil war did.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
held the door for 4 dudes in a row today. not one thank you, not even a hop-skip to get to the door faster. y’all are turning my into a batman-style supervillain so freaking fast
Boating season is upon us.
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”