All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
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Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Introverted vegans go meetless
Just remember, you’re my “plus one,” and not my “hostage.”
I hate when people ask if my newborn is a “good baby” and I have to tell them that he cries a lot and about how he keeps robbing banks
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
Guys, don’t panic if you find a sticky note from your wife in the morning with only the word “garbage” on it. It’s probably just trash day.
“I really have no idea how to pronounce my name but I won’t admit it.”
Guys named Geoff.
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.