[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
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Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
Welcome to your 40s. You now have one random eyebrow hair that grows faster than the rest
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Great Halloween costume idea for couples: Go in a tandem Titanic costume, then get into a big fight halfway thru the night and break up
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Don’tcha wish your g/f was fun like me?
*plays Twister*
Don’tcha wish your g/f was a freak like me?
*regurgitates a jellyfish*
Don’tcha…?
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.