Exorcist came by. Says house isn’t possessed, just incredibly poorly built.
You Might Also Like
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Someone’s fallen Lord
Hashtag Lol
Oh Lord Hashtag Lol
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
Her: A group of iguanas is called a Mess. I love that.
Him: What happens if they get overheated?
Her: I see where this is going. Don’t even think of-
Him: *whispers* hot mess.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
*seductively corrects your posture*
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
it’s cute when your doc says to be on strict bed rest when you have a 10 mo old and your husband is gone. lol i’ll just call my magic fairies. they can handle it and probably even wash the car and then we can all dance around together and eat pizza without getting fat
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold