Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
do you have any idea how fast you were going?
“no, I’m not wearing my contacts”
Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
Spaghetti, because you didn’t like that shirt anyways
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
Oh that’s not nicotine stains on my fingers. That’s mustard. I don’t smoke anything besides ham sandwiches.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
Me: Hey Mom!
My mom: Oh haha I get that all the time
Me: Wha-
Definitely my mom: *walking away from me* Just one of those faces, I guess!