Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
You Might Also Like
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I鈥檓 spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn鈥檛 your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
When you do drugs, you’re also doing all the drugs that those drugs have done.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
What’s the difference between a guy wearing a bullet proof vest and the English football team? The guy would survive the first round.
Her: Stop telling my friends you鈥檙e a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I鈥檓 particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[sees woman reading]
“Gone With The Wind? Great book! I love how the *clenches fist* tornado takes Dorothy & Toto to the Land Of Oz.”
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
If you need a laugh.. 馃槄
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
It was to keep our furry overlords content馃槈
Your honor these allegations are
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Be nice or I鈥檒l put you in my novel and won鈥檛 change your name
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
Maybe I misheard him…
But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.