He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
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me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I worry that without my car’s skid warning light I’d have no way of knowing that I was about to drive into a wall
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
What do you call emergency rooms for non medical emergencies?
Bars, they’re called bars
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Don’t talk to me unless you are a ham sandwich.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
britain’s three elite institutions
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
me to 8: dude you’re growing up! When you gonna stop getting bigger?
8: I don’t know. When are you gonna stop getting bigger?
me:
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school