5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop
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Mirror: If you break me, it’s 7yrs bad luck.
Condom: LOL
A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That’s like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
art teacher: is that a bird or a plane
young clark kent: *crumples self portrait*
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Hey Canadians, what’s the plural of ‘moose?’
Mooses?
Mooseses?
Meese?
Meeses?
Moosii?Asking for a friend.
It’s me.
I’m American.
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
You better pray to whatever god you serve that this email finds you before I do
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
An apple a day keeps no one away unless you have meticulously good aim.