[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
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Fitness coach: have you been exercising & doing push-ups?
*Flashback to me running after the ice cream man & buying all the push-ups* “yes”
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[Sweden’s famous Ice Hotel]
Vinnie: how are we going to break into the vault?
Donnie: leave it to me *screws silencer onto hairdryer*
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
[At Pharmacy]
Pharmacist: This medi…
Me: Can we just skip to the part where I pay? I brought my own water. I’ll take one now.
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
You know you’re watching Star Wars with Catholics when every time you hear “May the Force be with you,” you hear, “And also with you.”
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Facebook marketplace is a different world
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.