4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
You Might Also Like
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Her: I always knew I was going to be a mummy. I feel like I’ve been preparing for this my whole life. Is that the same for you?
Me: Well, I gained the baby weight preemptively if that counts?
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. She just started a new diet and I brought home half a chocolate cake from the office.
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Sometimes I wish camouflage were more effective so I wouldn’t have to see the people who wear it.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.