Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
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“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Me recordaron éste meme
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Making it easier for the municipal leaf removal crew by dropping each leaf in an envelope & mailing it to city hall
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.
My 12 year old’s response to solicitors calling her is to call them back and act like she’s trying to sell them whatever they were trying to sell to her
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary