Millions stunned and blindsided to learn Tim Allen had been on a network sitcom for like the last six years or something
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Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
[dark alley]
ME: someone told me that you knew how to fry rice
SHRIMP: [takes long drag from cigarette, murders me]
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
We avoided this particular disaster
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
:office birthday party:
CW: Would you like to sign the card?
Me: Nah, just here for the cake. Karen will understand.
CW: His name is Joe.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
[courtroom]
Me: “I OBJECT YOUR HONOR”
Judge: on what grounds?
“LEGAL MUMBO JUMBO”
Prosecutor: he’s good
Judge: *slams gavel* case dismissed.
car not found