i like my men like i like my coffee, secretly alcoholic.
You Might Also Like
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
[bar]
Me: I’m drunk
Carpenter: i’m hammered
Dry Wall Guy: i’m plastered
Garbage Man: i’m trashed
Beekeeper: i’m buzzed
Accountant: i’m totaled
Quarterback: i’m blitzed
Scuba Diver: i’m tanked
English Professor: i’m lit
Plumber: i’m shitfaced
Hulk: i’m smashed
Youth: i’m wasted
I found love at ninja school.
Yeah it just crept up on me and totally took me by surprise.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
Anyone really
when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
hey man i’m really worried about you.. your mum said you haven’t been looking after your gutbiome ?
welp
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.