I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
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Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
FRIEND: it’s all about picking your battles
[later]
WIFE: i can’t believe you ju-
ME: *holds up hand* i choose gettysburg
I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
Before you criticize my scam how about you give me a chance to lie to you about it
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
You don’t need flavored coffee. It already has a flavor. Coffee.
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
If you’re ugly, I won’t alert you if you have a typo. You have enough on your plate as it is.
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Woke up to my 8 year old daughter in bed instead of my wife and for a split second, I thought my wife got Benjamin Button-ed.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”