Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
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5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
*7 talking to my father*
7: You were in a war?
My Dad: Yes, Vietnam.
7: Did you die?
of course babies cry on planes, as far as they know they’re about to be eaten
“How can I waste ten seconds of someone’s time and make total strangers hate me?”
– Credit card chip inventor
– Me, writing tweets
love that every recipe article begins extended background context now. i came here to learn how to cook, but now i’m 6 pages deep into pancake lore. it’s the lord of the rings’ appendices for the modern age.
People who don’t reply to your messages within a second are so annoying. Also the people who expect your reply within a second.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I assume anyone walking more than one Doberman is training them to rob banks
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.