I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
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*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
recently discovered you can push text scammers to their breaking point simply by playing along with the scam
My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house
It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
🙂🙃🥹
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
My son is taking a bartending class at college so I think I’m finally going to start seeing a return on my investment.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
i was just roughed up by a hipster bully. he gave me a knuckle sandwich, but also offered a gluten free alternative