FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
You Might Also Like
Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones
Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?
Me: no, the bones in my mouth
Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
Didn’t realize “bottomless” mimosas referred to the drink and not the dress code, my apologies to everyone in this airport.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
hostess: table or booth
termite family: we’ll have both
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
He died doing what he loved…failing to read my mind.
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.