Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
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*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
What’s a movie everyone recommends to you but you’ve never seen? Mine’s the safety video for this forklift I’m operating.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
[ opening music ]
scientist: try not to give each other the zombie virus
everyone: lol
[ roll credits ]
I never understand why do people whisper at funeral’s ? The most important guy at this party is dead he can’t hear you.
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts