It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
This is so me 😂😂
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
I thought maybe we could try to make it on Dateline as a a couple.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Wifey put some girly glitter soap in the bathroom. This morning I look like I either just came from the strip club, or showered with Ke$ha.
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
cop: we found your wife with a knife in her back
me: that doesn’t sound like her, she never kept a knife there
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Sometimes I like to do tweets that are so obscure they’re not even for the people who get it.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
#TopTip
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
My battle cry is, I’M TRYING TO PEE! STOP KNOCKING ON THE DOOR!!
And 5’s battle cry is, I’M NOT KNOCKING ON THE DOOR! I’M KNOCKING ON THE WALL NEXT TO THE DOOR!
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.
I used to eat my feelings but now it’s so expensive I might as well go to therapy
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.
Romantic Emotional Stability Level:
I firmly believe “I could fix him” about Hannibal Lecter.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”