Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
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Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
my girlfriend got annoyed at me for buying our son a whole bunch of new stuff for when he starts school because apparently “cats dont go to school” and “he cant use any of the things in that pencil case because he has paws”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: (pulls out phone, checks Twitter and Facebook notifications, puts phone away)
Friend: Well?
Me: Well what?
Horoscopes signs should sound cool like asparagus, chevrolet and Dan
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
DATE [annoyed] in your profile, it said u had amazing abs
ME [slams car to a stop] Amy it’s the best anti-lock braking system I’ve ever had
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
No, I wasn’t dancing. I wore flowered leggings & got harassed by a bumble bee.
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
[restaurant]
ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.