Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
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I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I want what any normal girl wants in life… A great job, a loving husband and to be the wallpaper on thousands of iPhones.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
lmaooo this was a legitimate email my sister sent to a college professor when she forgot to submit a paper whilst drunk at a darty. like can you imagine reading this with sober eyes????
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
“How did you get those scars?”
[Flashback to me running into a glass door]
They’re from Cage fighting.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
.. do you even science?
Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
“It’s not a competition” you say as you lose the secret competition.
Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.