once i’ve learned to lay gigantic eggs and run 50 mph, it’s over for you ostriches.
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I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
“Is this your resume?”
Yes
“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”
Yes
“Welcome to UPS!”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Stop asking me why I do things, the answer is always “I panicked”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
GOD: [reviewing solar system] hmm… i’ll give it 5 stars
EARTH: [imediately starts screamig due to masive gravitational pull of 4 new stars]
I forgot how to eat at a restaurant am I supposed to bring netflix with me or will they have my computer there?
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool