I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
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Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
me: wHaT iS It DocToR
dr: you have a disease that makes you mock people
me: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
dr: oH No Is iT CoNTaGiOuS
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
.
GET the hell outta of my bathroom!