Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
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*me, looking for someone to have breakfast with* wanna be friends with benedicts?
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?
ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
Oh the world we live in…
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?