I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
You Might Also Like
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
If I were trapped in a pit by a psychopath who wanted to make a suit out of my skin, I would simply not put the lotion on my skin until there was enough hose water to float out.
I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
My boys are gamers and I’m single
It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
A man is “shirtless” while a woman is “topless.” One might say this refers to women’s larger variety of clothing options. More intriguingly, it implies we have not decided on men’s orientation in space. Who knows where the top of a man is
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
The earth moves 1.6 million miles per day. So no I didn’t just “lay in bed and watch TV all day” I traveled very far thank u
Ever say hi to someone and immediately regret it because now you know you have to say hi to them forever?
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it