Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
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Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
I heard somebody refer to “The Shape of Water” as “Grinding Nemo” and I’m never going to get over it.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay