Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
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[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
This is so me 😂😂
Remember back when you thought the movie “Idiocracy” was a satirical comedy instead of a documentary?
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I can’t be a sellout. I have no idea what anyone wants.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
shut up and take my money
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones