When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
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My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if the object it moved around was the vacuum.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
*plugs my phone in to charge when it’s at 80%*
*lets the low battery warning on my fire alarm beep for 6 months*
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?
A) Be Seedy
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.