I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
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my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
Me: Hi.
Girl: No.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err