My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
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Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Love this guy
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Finally a use for spoilers…
Me: you’ll be in school until 2035
My Kid: *confidently* that’s not a real number
Me: maybe even longer
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
When news reporters do sports stories
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
The police want me to wear a wire; albeit a thick handcuff-shaped wire.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”