Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
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Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
BOSS: Show the new guy around.
(Hours Later)
NEW GUY: I think the boss meant around the office.
ME: *holding my model planes* You don’t like my house?
Every haunted house movie:
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Middle finger in the air, if you don’t really care. It’s like that sometimes man, ridiculous. Life can be sometimes ridiculous.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
People with grown children keep telling me that I’ll miss these days, but I promise you that I will never look back with longing on the time I accidentally woke my toddler up at 2am
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident.
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
her: [during roleplay] come get me
me: [struggling to get up with my ninja turtle shell on] no you get me
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.