While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
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こいつ天才
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Twitter: “New audio and video calling is here!”
Me: “No, it’s f*cking NOT.” *Disables feature.*
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
If you don’t believe in evolution how do you explain such striking similarities between the doughnut and the bagel?
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Hello, Gotham Child Services. Oh dear. Both dead? My my. Well, does the child have a Butler that can raise him? Cos it’s a lot of paperwork.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
“you changed” yeah i thought 3 days in the same outfit was kinda pushing it
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
Her: draw me like one of your French girls
Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.