HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[invention of croutons]
Let’s make eating salad hurt
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
I like you, but I don’t “give you a roll of my toilet paper” like you…
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
imagine you’re in a heated argument with a Wiccan and they start lighting candles.
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
When I’m texting, I start typing faster when i see you’re typing too. Oh, IT’S ON!! #amazingrace
Damn he played himself