I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
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all that yoga finally paid off
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes i see that now
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
How do you milk an almond?
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Imagine falling in love with someone and then finding out they say “worthwild”
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
work smarter, not harder
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
“found you on “i found you on
instagram” twitter”
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
The Hurricane came through here like a tornado
-Lady on the News just now
I don’t want to live on this planet anymore
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead