If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
[At the Dr]
Me: but the voices won’t stop.
Dr: those are people, they’re allowed to talk.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
Why am I getting ads for things that cost $495? I have never bought anything ever that costs $495
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Guys invented poker as an excuse to stare into each other’s eyes.
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
DATE: I love playful women
ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-