4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
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Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
RUMPLESTILTSKIN: I’ll let you keep your first born if you can guess my name in three tries!
ME: Is it Grundletaintskin?
R: *sigh* You already know it, don’t you?
ME: Whatever do you mean, Buttholeshitskin?
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
SOLDIER: Yankee Oscar Uniform Romeo Foxtrot Lima Yankee India Sierra Delta Oscar Whiskey November
CAPTAIN: Lima Oscar Lima!
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Duck typos.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
B
Drinking 8 glasses of water isn’t easy, but I get really thirsty when I eat Funyuns. So problem solved. It feels good to be healthy.
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?