My neighbor started mowing his yard at 6am so I opened all my windows and vacuumed because I don’t understand how revenge works.
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🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Me: I heard you two are expecting, so I bought you a Parenting book.
Friend: Umm, this is a Cocktail Recipe book.
Me: You’re welcome.
Florist: “Would you like your flowers wrapped?”
Me: “Nope, they’re going right into the shredder before I give them to my sister-in-law.”
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship No, I don’t think we are on the same page.
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
I see your IQ test came back negative
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
WIFE: Did you take care of that thing I asked you to do?
ME: No.
WIFE: I’ve asked you at least 10 times.
ME: I’ll get it done this afternoon.
WIFE: You better.
ME (terrified): [has no idea what she asked me to do.]
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
6: I’m done.
Me: you didn’t even touch your food!
6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*
The Sass is strong with this one