Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
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Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Why did they call them buddy cops and not palice?
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
My son has decided he loves avocado toast and now I have to get a second job.
*teacher sees students sharing a note*
Teacher: why don’t you read that out loud
Student: [reading note] Dear teacher, this is an intervention. Your methods of discipline via public humiliation are uninspired carbon copies of Hollywood tropes. We wrote this letter as a class…
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I’m proud of the fact I’ve never yet lost a fight with a panda.
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
As much as I love making terrible science puns I understand why they need to be periodically tabled
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.