It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
Me: I could really use a hug rn.
Bear: …okay.
Me: Ahhhh…no…too much! That’s too much!
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
(day 2 of adulthood) well I gave it a shot
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
it’s finally my moment to shine
I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”
When I picked up my 5yo from school, she had on a construction paper hat that she made. I asked if it was a jellyfish. The joy in her eyes slowly turned into disappointment, “it’s a spider!” I failed her.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
Highway to Hell is my favorite wedding song.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian
“Aww, what a nice name”
It’s her dad’s, so I picked his middle name
“What is it?”
Theskywithdiamonds