Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
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I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
At the first signs of a sore throat you should be given the option of just skipping 4 days into the future
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
“Some people call me the space cowboy”
*leans in*
“Some people call me the gangster of love”
BARISTA: I’m just gonna put Steve on the cup
She wasn’t like other girls.
She was fifty stories of ceramic and titanium, bristling with particle cannons and mass drivers, built to drive back the horrors that came from between the stars and perhaps one day bring the war to their doorsteps.
And prom was in one week…
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Eggnog is one of my top ten favorite nogs
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
My mom: why are you being so defensive
Also my mom: here is a 12-point presentation on how you can do everything better
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.